The Wit of Steven Wright
- Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
- If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
- Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
- If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
- Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
- If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
- I went for a walk last night, and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
- So what's the speed of dark?
- How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been diss-ing them anyhow?
- After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
- Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
- If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
- I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
- Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
- Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
- Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
- When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
- If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
- Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
- Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
- Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
- How come abbreviated is such a long word?
- If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
- Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
- Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
- Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
- Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
- Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
- If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
- If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
- What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
- If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
- Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
- When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
- Do fish get cramps after eating?
- Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
- Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
- Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
- If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
- When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
- Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
- Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
- How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
- If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?
- Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
- Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
- Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
- Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
- Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
- Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
- Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
- What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
- Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
- If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
- Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
- Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
- Do married people live longer than single people, or does it just SEEM longer?
- I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
- If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
- Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
- War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
Last Updated: January 1, 1999
Send Mail to: pete@swanstrom.net
Return to: | Pete's | Home Page